Tuesday, 26 August 2014
Several times have I though about sitting down and writing a new blog post, but every time something has failed me. I haven't abandoned this blog, but ever since Knatti's death I haven't been in the mood to write. For one reason or another, it hasn't been the same reason every day. I've felt drained, my mind has been unhappy, laced with guilt and worries [which is what I'll call it for the sake of this blog].
It was like everything that's happened since last august piled up and Knatti was the final straw. I just couldn't find the energy for things, not for making nor for writing anything (including replies on the kind comments I got from blog readers on that last post before disappearing off the blog). Then came the extremely hot days of July that drained my body rather than my mind -- sunny summer days are lovely, but it was too hot for me. I tried several times to jump start my creativity. Usually it's just a matter of getting started, gaining momentum and then the enthusiasm takes over, rekindle the passion. But this time, it didn't really work. I haven't even picked up my camera very often, which has usually been a way of battling creative ruts with its instant satisfaction and motivation to go for walks, get the body working.
The few things I started didn't enthuse me, the results were poor and left me feeling blue and useless rather than pushing me to do something else, something more. I just got frustrated and then not doing anything made me feel guilty and tired. While I have enjoyed many of the summer days, those feelings of guilt and tiredness have almost always been there. Not always all-consuming, often almost gone or just like a dull feeling in the back of the head. It certainly haven't been a deeply depressing time and I've had some good times, but the energy levels have often been low and it's easy to forget the good days when feeling down. So despite all the good and great days, it feels like I've wasted a summer. You can't rewind time and there's always a kind of guilt in feeling you've wasted time.
Those grey clouds in my mind also affected my writing. I've posted on my other blog throughout the summer, but it was pretty much done on autopilot. A few times I felt like posting here, but the words didn't come, or I lost energy sitting down in front of the blank computer screen. I didn't feel any enthusiasm about blogging.
I have however pinned. Pinning is easy, effortless but still rewarding. I can still get really into searching for things, looking around websites for new finds etc. So pinning has kept me from feel too listless, it's given me something to do. Something FUN to do. I've also found myself getting back to an interest I've had before, but which is even more expensive than beading or cats: perfume. Especially niche perfumes. When you can't make anything else work, scents are really great pick-me-ups. They can remind one of cherished memories, happy things, favourite places, they can paint a picture for you or transport you to another place, they can calm you down or make you feel warm and cozy. In my usual way, taking up a hobby or getting a new/renewed interest in something means immersing myself. Partially it's a matter of money: if you can't buy all that you want, you can at least read up on it and that's what I've done. So far I've got a list of over 570 perfumes I want to try after reading fragrance pyramids and reviews. That's not counting the half dozen samples already bought.
Especially two of the perfumes really helped my mood. One was an aquatic/marine rose fragrance that was a great soothing, calming and cooling scent for the sunny days and one was a warm, cozy woody vanilla for the rainy and cold days and, especially, nights. Because the weather turned, not just changed a little but did almost a 180 degree turn. And not for the better.
In mid-august the tropical heat of July turned into quite the opposite. The temperatures plummeted, it started raining every day, we got the gale-force winds of late autumn and everything was just wet and chilly. It was more like mid-october than mid-august! Felt like the weather lasted for ages, but of cause it's just been a couple of weeks. Warm socks and cozy vanilla perfume has kept the grey outside from building up too much inside me, but it's still been some dreary weeks.
A few days ago, I started an autumn pinboard to try an pick myself up as I usually do love autumn a lot and at the same time the weather changed. The heavy grey skies are -- literally -- gone with the wind. Today the sun is shining, the sky is a brilliant blue only partially obscured by clouds that are more white than grey, there's just a slight, crisp wind and the last rain is now only visible as drops on the leaves and grass. The combination of the two has really brightened my mind. It still feels more like october than august, but at least it feels like sunny october days.
And that's where I'm at right now. Feeling like things are getting a little better. My mood, the weather. I'm looking forward to a beautiful autumn and I hope it'll also make me feel better. Some sunshine, crisp but gentle winds, apple picking, grape eating and forest walks is what I need now to recharge my batteries and air out all the bad thoughts -- and these are the perfect days for it now. Things feel a bit brighter now.